THE AGONY THAT IS MARIA

The problem she has is that she's lean, leggy, blond and pretty. Sponsors stand in line to dump bucketsful of dough over Sharapova.

No wonder so many people can't stand her!

All right, there are legitimate reasons for being lukewarm toward her.

There's that unethical coaching-from-the-player-guest-box thing.

There's that incident when she coldly turned her back on badly injured Tatiana Golovin at the Sony Ericsson tournament last March.

Her strokes are mechanical and her movement awkward.

Sharapova can be snappish, and seems prone to moments of diva-vinity (expecting people to jump through hoops for you and mixed with a sense that you're god's gift …).

Her mental fragility makes one cringe. Matches between Mauresmo and Sharapova are worthy of a P.H.D. thesis in abnormal psychology.

And that Monica Seles-grade shriek that she cuts loose with after every stroke (drop shot: heeeeee-yah!).

And here's something else.

Yuri Sharapov, Shrieky's father, is the most toxic tennis dad out there.

Dude glows.

Point a camera toward Yuri and he will find a new way to make a horse's ass out of himself.

Yet his daughter continues to stand by him. You had to have had a heart of stone not to be moved by the touching, pathetic way Shrieky thanked him in her victory speech at the U.S. Open.

Seem crazy to you? A little twisted?

I can hear Annie Lennox warbling in the background,

” Sweet dreams are made of these.”

Whom am I to disagree?